2005-05-17 || 10:02 p.m.
I play the victim. I Pull people in with my "I'm wounded, help me" Attitude. I push people as far into this belief as I can, (Not all but most.) Then they get in, and they see I'm not all that much of a damsel in distress, but they stick around for some reason. I wait around, I study them. I understand them. I wait until I can read them like a book. I research their weak spots, their fears, their loves, their happiness, and sadness. I find out what hurts them. I wait until they trust me fully. Then I go in for the kill. One time I was told I was at the top of the food chain.
I'm not saying this is my main goal. I don't set out to hurt people. But when I believe I have been hurt, or will be hurt I fight back. If I get the slightest inkling someone will hurt me I hurt them first. And I don't fight fair Most people say things out of anger or hatred or Hurt. I don't. I don't let people bother me enough to really hurt me (I have made that mistake in the past.. but out of all the people I have known it's a small percentage.)
I say things I Know will hurt them. I go straight for the jugular. If I'm gonna fight, I'm gonna do it right. I lose a lot of friends this way. Maybe I'm just too blunt. Maybe I should keep my mouth shut. But when People hurt me, I point out every flaw, or emptiness, or mistake. This way, I don't actually have to touch the person to hurt them. I play a game. I see how far to the edge I can push them.
I believe this makes me a bad person. But I think it's who I am. There are people I hurt that I don't mean to, but I do. And ones that I think I hurt subconsciously because I was afraid they would hurt me first. Mostly loves. There are a few people, I would NEVER EVER even consider giving this treatment to. No questions asked. It doesn't matter how bad they were to hurt me, I would never do this on purpose to them.
I'm not sure I like being like this anymore. It keeps me safe, it helps me from hurting. But it's awful lonely on the top of the food chain
