2005-08-05 || 1:25 a.m.
I am so confused.
I don't think I've ever missed you more, but I also don't think I've ever held such a strong amount of anger towards you either.
I think I give up, but I'm not so sure.
He's back, I wish I could call you and tell you, because go figure things are excatly like they were then. He still calls me to yell at me, He still think's I'm the biggest bitch in the world. *sigh*
I miss you like I'd miss an arm or a leg, an attachment of me somehow stuck into the little bit of me that is left. You'd be amazed how much not having you around has effected me. I feel only enough to know what emotion would normally be there, I can make myself act mad, or sad, or hungry, or anything that I need to be.. But I never am. I am not whole anymore. I don't know why I carry such a big whole for you.
I have tried to fill this gap numerous times, I have tried to put other people in it, but none of these boys seem to have the impact that you had on me. The impact you still have on me. Just driving by your road, or seeing your name online for those few minutes, makes me wonder how you are.. how life is.
There's only one problem, one thought of the way things are makes me wonder if I'm not pushing myself too hard to be away from you. I don't want to be this hard on myself but I have to.
This is a painful process mister. No sleep, or as little as possible. Food is out of the question unless around other people, and emotions are a thing of the past. In order to survive you, I must first survive my own private hell. In order to be over you, I must make myself into everything I have never wanted to be, that way you will not be what I want anymore.
I'm not sure if my makeshift cure will solve this problem, but I am hoping. I am dragging myself to the bottom of the lowest scum holes in order to drag myself back up. I can't imagine anything other helping.
You are not coming back, and I need to get used to that fact. You are gone, and we.. in a word are dead to eachother. You have pushed me farther than you have ever pushed me away in our lives. I don't know how much more of this I can take before breaking, so I have to stop it now. Cut it off now. End it now.
I must be strong, my survival depends on it. To live through this, and to finally give you what you have always wanted from me, which is nothing, I must end this pain.
I have to make sure when you see me next, you won't recognize me. You won't know me from a stranger on a street corner. I have to make sure that nothing that is me, will be left. The next time you see me, or talk to me.. expect to see a shell. A hollow casing with nothing inside. I've been dreading this, feeling everything inside leading up to this point, my point of no return. Goodbye my love. It's been quite a ride.
cast the calming apple
up and over satelites
to draw out the timid wild one
to convince you it's alright
and I listen for the whisper
of your sweet insanity while I formulate
denials of your affect on me
you're a stranger what am I to do with all this silence
so what do i care
you vanish today
not the first time I hear
all the lies
shy away, shy away phantom
run away terrified child
won't you move away you you fuckin tornado
I'm better off without
tearing my will down
